Let's · Get · Physical

I am so frustrated. I haven’t posted in a while because I feel like a huge failure. I have been gaining and losing the same two pounds for like a month. Last week I lost, this week I am not getting weighed because I just have a feelings it’s really bad since I went out of town over the weekend and have been eating a lot. For me a lot isn’t necessarily stuffing my face, if I have 1,500 instead of 1,200 calories I can gain weight. I am just getting so disheartened and upset. It makes me really mad – why is it so easy for some people to lose weight when I have pretty much been at the same plateau for almost a year at this point? I am a complete failure.

I feel like I finally have some momentum. Today felt good despite eating some candy my boss brought me. It worked out to maybe 300 extra calories bringing the day's total to 1500ish but I worked out so it probably balances out OK. O feel good because I really didn't want to exercise but I did, and once I did, it felt good.

I also discovered today that I went down a cup size. I was checking out my new Bravissimo catalogue that came in the mail today (check it out if you haven't, www.bravissimo.com, they're from the UK but they ship to the States and their stuff is so cute!) and I am no longer a DD I don't think, according to their fit guidelines. I imagine I will settle around a C/D, as right now it is a very full D and I was a D in high school at about 150. So maybe the smallest I go when I am done will be a C? I was a C at 130 (which ... the last time I weighed 130 was when I was 12 so I may have gotten bigger ...) Does that pretty much work the same, does anyone know? or can your boobs shrink to be smaller than they were at the same weight? (Like, if when I weighed 130 my boobs were a C, could they now be smaller??)

I am going to get weighed in about an hour. I am nervous after staying the same last week. I tried really hard this week. It is hard working out because I am forced for the interim to work out at work. Which, ughh. But I have decided I am joining Bally’s next payday on the 15th so I can work out 7 days a week if I want (not that I will but before I could only work out on weekdays).

Also has anyone ever used an Indo Board or balance board? I am considering getting one for days when I either can’t get to the gym or have energy to burn. Please share your thoughts.

Update: Success!

I lost 2.4 pounds (or 2.2 since I started the journal) Here is my new ticker.

My goal this week is to write in here every day.

I have been having a good week thus far for the most part. I got my "friend" the day after weigh in so that may have had something to do with my staying the same. I had some dips, chip and a cupcake yesterday but that was in place of dinner.

Today I was kinda bad - I broke down and had a 2 small-ish pieces of cookie cake. So I guess one large piece or even one and half depending on your definition of large? I feel crappy. Why do I do this to myself? It's not even worth it. But I am hoping it will not have much impact. I am not eating after 8 pm tonight and I will try to be perfect tomorrow. I am also going to exercise today and tomorrow which makes it three for the week. So that is good. I think I will be joining Bally's soon although the way various institutions are randomly clamoring for my money today I am not sure. Ughhh!

So I was really good all week. Not perfect but better than I have been for a while. AND I STAYED THE SAME. Actually, I think I gained .1 pound but whatever, essentially the same. WHAT THE FUCK? Then they were all you are on a plateau since September. I know. And I am just so sad because right after Thanksgiving, I had lost four pounds and was almost in the 160s and I was so excited ... and now I have gained back that 4 plus 6 and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

It just seems like everything is kind of falling apart right now. And every time I start to have a glimmer of a positive attitude ... something else happens and I am right back at the bottom again.

Sorry. I am just depressed.

I just discovered that the microwave popcorn I thought had 220 calories a bag actually has ... 105 maximum. Hooray. Popcorn is confusing because it has the two serving sizes, one unpopped and one popped. For the unpopped it says 110 calories per every three tablespoons, and that there are two servings. Thus, I assumed that it had 220 calories in the whole bag. Yet, there are 15 calories per cup of popped popcorn and it says it makes 7 cups at most ... hmmm. I measured the bag I popped yesterday and it made 6 cups, so that is only like 90 calories. This is a HUGE difference from what I thought I was eating, and it is going to make a good TV snack. I am lucky enough that my doctor actually told me to eat MORE salt, so I can eat it without worry. I actually don't eat salt all that often beyond the stuff that is in most foods.

So once again my workout plans are foiled by my car. It would not start this morning and so I have to work from home as there is no way to get from Chicago to Oak Brook via public transport.

My car is possessed. In the past two months my driver's side mirror has been smashed (for the fourth time), it has failed to start twice and been in one accident. I think in my past life I punched Buddha in the face and this is my divine karmic retrbution.

Hopefully I will get to my parents this evening in time to use the treadmill they have for a while.

I'm so frustrated. I was too tired to get up early this morning to go to the gym so I packed my bag, etc. If I HAD gotten up early I would have had loads of time to call Triple AAA and get them to come start my car. As it is I was just figuring it would take them like 2 hours to get here, who knows how long to start the car and then I have an hour commute so it seemed dumb to waste half the workday when I could do it from home. I hate this.

Hello. This is my introduction entry. I am 24 years old, and I live in Chicago. I started Jenny Craig a year ago and have thus far lost about 20 pounds. At my lowest I had lost 25. It has been extremely slow going for me, and I think the journaling will help keep me motivated and on track. Right now, I have a short-term goal of 15 pounds by April 15. I will hopefully be able to update this journal every day. My problems with my weight have gone on since I was 10. My mom put me on Weight Watchers, because I was 4'11 and weighed 113. When I was done I weighed 96 and had become a lifetime member. I realize now how sad this was, because 113 is not even really that overweight, but that is a whole other issue. Weight Watchers is a fine program but right now Jenny Craig works better for me and my lifestyle because it is calorie based and I feel like once I am off it I will be able to maintain it.

This weekend was somewhat bad for me. I went out with some old high school girlfriends and ended having three Magners'. I drink rarely so this was not good for me. Then on Saturday I was having one of those days where I was just completely starving and ended up overindulging (Probably because of the drinking!). I think I should still be OK this week as long as I am really strict the rest of the time. Let's hope. I may pick up some pickles or something like that to snack on if I get hungry like that again.

On a postive note, I worked out on Thursday and it felt fantastic. I haven't been to the gym in a while because I can't afford to renew at my old gym. My office has a small workout area and I have been reluctant to use it because I really don't like seeing co-workers when I work out (not that I dislike them, it just seems weird to me). But I did and it was OK. I plan to go back Mon-Thurs. of this week. And Friday if I feel like it, I plan to go at least 4 times but if I feel like going I will go. Anyway, I had forgotten how much I loved working out. The last minute of cardio on a machine is like sweet, sweet candy. It feels awesome to push yourself and make it.

I did 40 minutes at level 10 on the elliptical trainer. It goes up to 20 but the levels seemed a little harder than at my other gym. The cardio options are limited to one elliptical, two bikes, two treadmills and one stairmaster. I hate the stairmaster so I plan on doing an hour of cardio with some mix of the bikes and the elliptical, with occasional treadmill time thrown in. I did about 10 minutes of weights too. After my credit card balance has gone down a bit I may rejoin my old gym if I get bored at this one.

I fell off the wagon a bit and if I don't lose I have only myself to blame. But the guilt is so awful that I am fairly confident I won't do it again. I hope.

I'd like to thank everyone who has posted kind comments or added me as a friend, I really appreciate the support. I plan to catch up on everyone else's journal entries this week.

Food Diary:
Breakfast: Stuffed Sandwich and Splenda pudding - 260 calories
Lunch - Pesto pizza, baby carrots and Splenda pudding - 350 calories
Dinner - Chicken Fettucine and baby carrots - 260 calories
Snack - (I haven't eaten it yet but I plan to) Microwave popcorn - 220
Splenda pudding - 60 calories.

(I am addicted to the sugar free splenda pudding, if you have a sweet tooth I highly recommend it. No sugar and only 60 calories and it tastes just like the regular Jello puddings. Hopefully there is nothing bad about it I don't know about).

My activity for the day was my Second City improv class, this doesn't necessarily count but it is lots of moving around and puts me in a good mood.

My other goal this week is to avoid the hot chocolate machine at work! My office is really cold but that's no excuse.

I get weighed on Wed. evening so I will be able to know for sure how I did this week.

Here is the ticker for my short-term goal of 15 pounds by April 15.

Today is the first day of my health blog journaling career. I need to get back on track. Over the holidays I gained about 9 pounds and have since only lost like 0.5 of them. I was just extremely depressed due to a relationship that looked promising but never really started at all. It still makes me sad but eating my way out of all the progress I have made doesn’t make me feel any better.

I have lost about 20 pounds over the past year. Yeah, it’s going extremely slow but I figure it’s better than not losing anything or gaining weight. I am impressed by my own resolve. Ordinarily I would probably have given up by now. But I am really tired of being that girl. For the past 14 or so years eating has made me anxious. Ever since my mother put me on a diet when I was 10, food has pretty much ceased to be something I enjoy. Instead, it is merely another reason to feel guilty. Even if I indulge, I never truly enjoy it because of the guilt. I want to get to a place where I can eat something and feel OK about it. I no longer want to be someone random people insult on the street (this has happened more times than I care to admit), in hallways or at bars. I don’t want to be the funny one, the nice one, etc. For once, I guess I just want to be the pretty one. Or even, the average-sized one.

My confidence has really been shaken because it was really soaring for about a week (after the stunning realization that “he likes me now! How I look now!) then it came crashing down and I don’t even really know what to believe anymore. But I do know that exercising and eating right will help make me feel better. After over a month of not working out (when I used to go at least three times per week) I feel like crap. I need to work out again.

My first small goal is to lose 15 more pounds by April 15. I am randomly choosing the day income taxes are due. This gives me about two and half months. If I achieve this goal, I will get a new Lill purse and some books. (For Lent, I am giving up buying anything new for myself that I don’t need, ie clothes, books and shoes. The only things I can spend money on are groceries, shampoo, etc. Unless for some reason I desperately need a pair of shoes or an outfit due to an unforeseen even or something getting ruined. Hence, my reward is slightly large because I should have some money built up).

I will update at the end of the day with my food diary.

Food Diary for today (btw I am on Jenny Craig)

Breakfast:
Sunshine Sandwich (190 calories)
Snack: Splenda Jello pudding(60)
Lunch: Baby carrots
Southwest Chicken and Rice (250)
Snack: Splenda Jello pudding
Dinner: Personal Pizza (275)
Snack: Peanut butter Bar (150)
Additional items: 2 hot chocolates (8 oz.), 5 crackers.

Workout: 40 minutes on the elliptical, 10 or so minutes of weights.